Stephen Bly Down A Western Trail

Calling Your Mate to Account

May 24, 2022 Stephen Bly Season 2 Episode 15
Stephen Bly Down A Western Trail
Calling Your Mate to Account
Show Notes Transcript

FAMILY  Season 2, Episode 015  "Calling Your Mate to Account" audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series. 
Blog post articles found here:  "Before You Confront Your Mate" HERE:   https://www.blybooks.com/2022/05/confront-your-mate/ and "How to Confront Your Mate" HERE:  https://www.blybooks.com/2022/05/how-to-confront/

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CALLING YOUR MATE TO ACCOUNT

In a growing marriage, you love each other enough to establish your friendship by calling each other to account. Many have that down pretty good at the physical realm.  

Your husband’s about to give a speech at the banquet. You glance over and notice he has a piece of huckleberry stuck in his teeth. So, you discreetly mention that to him. Even more embarrassing, you tell him if his zipper isn’t zipped. You could think nothing about mentioning things like that.  

If you’re wife walks out of the house on the way to church with a dryer cloth hanging out from the back of her dress, you say something. We also need to look after each other spiritually. It’s necessary for a relationship, as well as individual spiritual growth.  

This topic can be misused or misunderstood. This crucial theme needs to be thought through with wisdom.  Here’s an example where calling a mate to account should have taken place. 

Acts 5 details exciting times for the early church with lots of new converts. After Peter preached, thousands believed in Christ. Everyone as new Christians had peace with God and the certainty of eternity before them. That made for a very generous mood of loving everybody.  

Barnabas, called the encourager, sold a bunch of his property and gave all the money to distribute to those in need. That caused quite a stir and gave Barnabas a reputation for generosity. Then Ananias appeared on the scene. 

“But there was a man named Ananias (with his wife Sapphira) who sold some property and brought only part of the money, claiming it was the full price. (His wife agreed to this deception.)” (Acts 5:1). 

Peter accuses each of them separately of lying to the Holy Spirit and they drop dead on the spot. This caused much fear among the new believers. Some place in that relationship there should have been a calling to account. 

 When this couple sold their property, they didn’t have to give anything. Or they could give a tithe of ten percent if they liked. They were free to do anything they wanted. But they must have been thinking about Barnabas who got a lot of perks of relationships with what he did. But they wanted to tuck back some of their proceeds and yet get credit and praise for giving everything. So, they lied.   

Neither would say to the other, “This is wrong. We can’t do this.” A deadly decision. We need to be concerned about our mate’s spiritual life. But how do we go about that process with great sensitivity and concern? Here’s a way to deal with your mate’s spiritual weaknesses and failures. 

First Things First  

1.) Establish your loyalty. 

Before you ever confront your mate, certain actions should line up. Check to see if there’s been a big struggle in your relationship recently with tension and problems. Have you been getting along? Are you careful to try to change things in your own life? You’re not ready to call your mate to account until you assess your situation. Do the homework. 

Don’t assume it’s your duty to spiritually correct your mate after twenty-five years of nagging, complaining, and picking away at dreams and goals. Do they know you’re on their side? You won’t have much chance of changing them if you haven’t been physically and emotionally by their side.  

Here’s a sample formula to test your consistent loyalty. Think of three concrete examples of when you stood up for them in the last three or four months. Perhaps things were bad at work, and they felt like quitting. And you said, “Honey, I’m on your side. We’ll make it somehow. Don’t worry.” If you can’t recall such a time, don’t call them to account.  

You can better work through criticism that comes from someone you know is on your side. Proof of loyalty can’t be established overnight. This may mean months of preparation.  

2.) Demonstrate your own spiritual growth.  

Show that you’re struggling and working too. Sometimes it might seem there’s inequality in your marriage. Perhaps you feel your spouse isn’t as spiritual as you are. We could have different ideas of what spiritual maturity looks like. But more important than reaching some standard or level is to be an open, growing Christian. You know you’re not perfect. You struggle too.  

Come to your mate as a fellow pilgrim and struggler. Be honest and confess, “I’m really having a problem with anger. Can you help me? Will you pray with me about it?” When changes become visible and then you point out something in their life, you work on issues together.  

Sometimes we don’t like to talk about our struggles until we’re victorious. We want to get this thing whipped and then we open up. It’s like being on a secret diet. You all of a sudden lose some pounds and wait for what they will say. Meanwhile, if you grab food out of the refrigerator no one nags at you. They don’t know you’re trying to eat right.  

The same thing’s true about holiness. To get help you must admit you don’t know everything. But if you keep your true self hidden, no one knows you’re growing.  

3.) Reveal your own vulnerability. 

Be willing for your spouse to point out your spiritual weaknesses. Allow them to pick at you first. But don’t say, “Go ahead, let me have it, because I’ve got something big to throw at you.” Sincerely ask for correction.  

For instance, quiz them on how you can better show them your love. “Go ahead. Give me some advice.” Then follow through. Establish credibility.  

If you do all these three things, then you’re ready to confront. But that’s going to take time, probably some months, no matter how crucial the flaw in their life.  

However, you could be thinking, like my wife Janet, “He has no flaws at all.” That’s more reason to practice these disciplines. You never know what’s to come. Whatever it is, you’ll be prepared. You will establish background in these areas. Do them all the time, then you’re ready.

 How To Confront Your Mate  

Look at these six biblical principles. Make sure the Bible denotes why their behavior is wrong. Or slow down with your criticism. We should want our mates to live consistent with Scriptures.  

Some calling to account is cultural. “We don’t do it that way. Our family doesn’t do things like that.” That can be role model differences that need to be talked through. But what about spiritual differences? You can look at Scripture and perceive a lack of living according to what God wants.  

That means you need to know the biblical account. What does the Bible say?  

1.)  As children of God, we must be rebuked for unrepentant sin.  

Somebody has to call us to account. “Rebuke your brother if he sins and forgive him if he is sorry” (Luke 17:3). That applies to mates too. 

Unrepentant sin keeps going on. They never change. Repentance means you stop doing it and change to something else. You turn around and go the other way. If not, there must be rebuke, which by its nature indicates sharp criticism. Still, it should be done in a loving and sensitive way. 

Maybe you hope someone else will do that for you. Perhaps the pastor or a friend. But the first reveal should come from a loving, Christian mate. It’s not just something you don’t like, but your concern is you truly believe it’s unbiblical. Open your Bible and share the passage.  

One day I stood on the streets of Hollywood enjoying the sights. A young man with a beard grabbed me by the shoulder and yelled, “Repent! You’re going to hell!” I turned around to talk with the man, but he left. He wasn’t interested in talking to me. I saw him grab another person and tell them the same thing. He rebuked person after person with no preparation or follow through. We’ve got to do better than that.  

2.)  Rebuke with patience and instruction.   

2 Timothy 4:2, “Preach the word. Be ready in season and out of season. Reprove, rebuke, exhort with great patience and instruction.” 

One definition for patience: the ability to change the present situation but refusing to do so because you believe holding back will produce a better result. Patience allows time when we could force the matter. We could demand instant change. Sometimes we want to say, “If you don’t change, then I would do this …” We try to railroad the issue. Patience holds back rather than draw out a plan for them or warn of a course of pain and anguish to pay them back for what they’ve done. We could usher a straight and narrow ultimatum, but we don’t.  

When a little child grabs up matches and starts to play around with them, we can do a couple things. We can yell and scream, “Put down those matches! Get away!” Or we can take the matches away and say, “Don’t do that!” and then tell them why, what it can lead to. “Matches can really hurt bad.” Then give instructions. 

3.)  Assure them they’re not facing this alone.    

Galatians 6:1,2: “Dear brothers, if a Christian is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help him back onto the right path, remembering that next time it might be one of you who is in the wrong. Bear each other’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” 

Some problems take two people to work through. Offer to help them with this. “I will be with you. What can I do?” When your mate has a problem, it’s like dealing with a hole in a two-man raft. You can gripe and complain a lot but you’ll both sink unless you plug the hole. You might as well work together.  

Do it with gentleness—knowing when to be or not be angry.  

4.)  Don’t make an enemy of your mate.  

2 Thessalonians 3:15, “Don’t think of him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” 

Keep in mind the reason for confrontation. You confront your mate because of the dream of a united, growing, exciting and adventuresome marriage. You want a godly and fulfilling life together. By calling your spouse to account you believe it will help achieve that goal.  

You’re not trying to get even or pit you against each other. It’s not just another salvo shooting across on their side, to blow them out of the water. “There, take that,” you say. If so, you’re calling to account’s all wrong. 

Don’t corner them into being an alienated enemy that works against your best interest. Think of it this way. If someone witnessed you confronting your mate, would they think you’re enemies of lifelong friends?  

Janet overheard a husband and wife at a supermarket aisle. The man picked up the wrong brand of beverage and the woman lit into him with verbal abuse. Walking behind them, Janet wondered what’s going on and what she should do. Meanwhile, the man said nothing.  

Soon Janet backed away and pushed her cart down the next aisle. The couple appeared again and this time the man lambasted the woman. She could tell the issues centered on more than the wrong choice of drink. A lot of baggage between them exploded in full view at the grocery store.  

Of course, we humans can’t stay perfectly calm all the time about everything. But could others detect a lifelong commitment with this couple? Or did it seem that these two hated each other? Make it your aim to confront your mate as a friend. 

5.)  Test your confrontation with biblical guidelines. 

Pass the wisdom test of James 3:17, “Wisdom from above is first pure and then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering and without hypocrisy.” 

The words you say to confront your mate ought to fit that category. They should be pure, not with mixed motives; peaceable, with the end result to produce peace in the relationship. The words should be gentle and reasonable, which means open to discussion. The response should be full of mercy and good fruits, that is, anxious to understand their position and willingness to accept their explanation.  

So, when you rehearse your little speech that you’re going to give them, read through the verse above and give it the wisdom test. If you don’t sound gentle and reasonable, it’s not coming from above but below. That’s the other source.  

Can you say what you need to communicate with the motive of love? You’re pushing yourself to show mercy to them. Will the spiritual result be pleasing to the Lord?  

6.)  Consider the exact wording. 

The old backyard chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me,” is the dumbest thing ever taught. Words devastate, paralyze, cripple, and maim mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You can probably remember every petty and offensive remark made against you. The same’s true in a marriage relationship.  

Ephesians 4:29, “Let no unwholesome words proceed from your mouth but only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them grace and a blessing. Such words are good for edification and the need of the moment.” 

Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, so you may know how to respond to each person.” 

Choose words that will help solve the situation. Think it through ahead. Watch out for words like “always” and “never.” Or “I’ve told you a million times.”  

So, you’ve prepared yourself and finally find a quiet time where the two of you can talk. Then, after the confrontation allow time. They may need to suffer the consequence, especially if they don’t repent. You can’t keep them from that.  

“Do not be deceived,” Galatians 6:7 says, “God is not mocked. Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”  

Sin costs something. And sometimes it’s extremely expensive. Consequences happen to help draw them back to where they should be.  

Second, give time for repentance to do the full work. Don’t set a deadline. Give them space.  

When Nathan confronted King David, he repented instantly. He fell down and said, “I’ve sinned against the Lord.” It took Peter a longer time to work through his denial of Jesus Christ. He went out and wept and didn’t get over the guilt until after the resurrection and Jesus confronted him with, “Do you love me?” three times.  

Here’s a guideline. If your mate’s been working on a bad habit for years and finally beginning to change it, expect it to take some years to overcome it. Any time less than that, rejoice! But if you’ve been thinking about confronting them for months, then give them the same length of parallel time to respond to you. If you’ve been mulling it over for a long time, don’t expect them to shape up in three minutes. Don’t set an arbitrary deadline.  

Third, rejoice in every confrontation that you’ve worked through. Surviving a serious showdown can be a milestone. Once you work through a really tough time, the next ordeal will be a little easier. You’ll look back and say, “If we can make it through that, we can make it through anything.”  

Sometimes we have no idea the strength of our marriage until we pass through troubles. 

In southern California they’ve been working since the early 1970s to construct schools and other buildings to be earthquake proof. Are they really earthquake proof? Nobody knows. Only a big earthquake will prove it. Or not. 

The same with marriages. You may be coming to a tough time that might be just what you need to show indeed you’ve got what it takes to make it through. If you discover you’re earthquake proof, it’s time to celebrate. Go out to dinner. Buy some roses. Live it up and rejoice. 

I wish Ananias and Sapphira worked it through better. I wrote a different ending.  

Ananias: “Sapphy, honey, the real estate agent called. Some rich dude from Egypt offered us 90,000 shekels for that little rental down on 45th Street.”

Sapphira: “90,000? You thought it was worth half that.”

Ananias: “Well, I guess he’s going to put in a milk and honey face food place. Anyway, the guy’s loaded. A perfume merchant, I guess.”

Sapphira: “But what will do with all that money?”

Ananias: “Well, listen, my little pomegranate. Remember all that fuss over Barney when he gave all for the sale of his place for the church?”

Sapphira: “Yes, it’s been the talk of the town.”

Ananias: “Well, I’ve got this plan. We tell the church board we sold the place for 50,000 shekels and we pocket the rest. What do you think?”

Sapphira: “We could sure have some fun spending all that money.”

Ananias: “Yes, we could.”

Sapphira: “But, you know, it just wouldn’t be right. I suppose the Lord would prefer our desire to give rather than to achieve vanity and fame. I say, why don’t we tithe it, put the rest in the bank, and ask the Lord to guide us what to do with it.”

Ananias: “Ah, Sapphy, my precious jewel, once again wisdom has dripped from your ruby lips. How could I ever get along without your sweet counsel?”  

That’s how I wished the story had ended. But no one called them to account. May we all have the courage and diligence to call each other to spiritual accountability.

Stephen Bly
Circa 1993