Home Manager Tips

FAMILY  Season 2, Episode 016  "Home Manager Tips" audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series. 
"Are You a Home Manager? Tips for Managing Your Family" blog post article found here:   https://www.blybooks.com/2022/06/home-manager/

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Transcript

MANAGING YOUR FAMILY 

1 Timothy 3:5, “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” 

You can tell spiritual maturity by how a person manages their family. That tells us two things.

1.)  Families are meant to be managed.

When family life becomes unmanageable, something’s wrong. Some kind of control is expected. 

2.)  How you manage your family indicates readiness for spiritual leadership in other areas.  

How do we manage a family? Is there a management guide to provide a checkup, to see how we’re doing? I can only give examples from my own family life. Maybe yours looks quite different.  

Provisions needed for any family.  

~~ Protection from the elements 

“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who builds his house upon the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, yet it did not fall because it had its foundations on the rock” (Matthew 7:24,25). 

This has spiritual and practical applications. It’s smart to build a house on a strong foundation. In a heavy rain when the water pours down, rises in the streets and floods buildings on cement foundations that sink lower than the street.  

One wet spring the elements got close to our tri-level house after the snow melts. Water seeped into the basement in wife Janet’s office. I didn’t like that. My family deserves protection. So, I dug next to the wall and slapped water seal and putty on the side of the concrete. Then, I built an eight-foot veranda over-hang to keep water away from that side of the house.  

Now, I was in the middle of writing a book. And it poured rain outside. But I spent several days digging in the mud to provide protection from the elements.  

~~ Safety from harm 

Mark 3:27, “No man can enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he ties up the strong man.”  

Again, there’s both spiritual and physical application. I think that means doing whatever it takes to make each family member feel safe. We all live in different neighborhoods with various requirements.  

Growing up in the boonies most of my life, I don’t know if the house I grew up in even had a lock on the door. When we first moved to Idaho, we weren’t too concerned about the locks on the doors. But we had two problems. The wind blew the door open in the night at times. 

And more than fifty mentally and physically handicapped folks lived in a halfway home in our town. Sometimes they’d wander away and just walk into your house, which could be disconcerting. So, to make our house safe, I trusted God completely and locked the door at night. In fact, when I began to travel a lot, I installed deadbolts on both doors. I made it my goal to keep my home safe from potential harm.  

~~ Provide nourishment, clothing, and good gifts.   

Matthew 7:9-11, “Which of you if your son asks for bread will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” 

Maybe it’s the ranch and farm background, growing up in my family, the emphasis was on sheltering, feeding, and clothing each member. However, material things weren’t that important. For instance, we always bought used cars and kept them a long time.  

Our suburban has clocked many miles. Our TV set was given to us. But we have half a beef in the freezer most all year long. And I like giving fun, special gifts. We went on a boat cruise and had a great time with our 17-year-old son, Aaron. But it was cool and breezy, so he slipped on a sweatshirt I just bought him with the inscription University of Zimbabwe. He loves it because for many years Aaron has joked about going to Zimbabwe some day. A good gift for him. 

~~ Make home a place of peace for the soul and spirit.   

Jesus said in Luke 10:5, “When you enter a house, first say, ‘Peace to this house.’ If a man of peace is there, your peace will rest on him; if not, it will return to you.” 

We need to work for a place and attitude of peace. The attitude is often set by mom and dad when you relax when your kids are home and when their friends visit.  

Aaron has a good friend in high school named Mathu who knows he can come over most any night of the year. He can show up and say, “Hi, I’m here.” And know that has a lot to do with my acceptance in saying, “Hey, that’s fine. No problem.” 

But even though it seems we’re stuck in an idyllic place, it can get confusing around our house. We added something this year that helps. Our phone tends to ring all the time and sometimes people stop by to visit us from all over the country. They’re pop-in guests to talk with us and see our place.  

So, we had built on top our livery stable garage a long, narrow bunkhouse. It became our get-away, a quiet space with no TV, phone, no interruptions. If either Janet or I are in the bunkhouse, we are gone. Aaron uses the bunkhouse too for overnighters for his friends. We bring up the food and leave them.  

One time Janet used the bunkhouse for a women’s retreat that didn’t bother me or Aaron. We also use it for private chats with friends, afternoon naps, personal devotionals or blocks of writing times. It’s an extra place of peace.  

~~ Each member needs encouragement and support. 

 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does note delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 

We encourage those in our family to become the people God wants them to be and discover what he wants them to do. Church can help, but home should be the environment for discovering God’s will.  

Here’s what I did for my wife Janet. After a several year search for God’s will for me, in June 1974 I graduated from seminary to become a pastor. Riding home from her last day on the job and beginning her new ministry as a pastor’s wife, she suddenly realized she didn’t know what was expected of her.  

She came to me and asked, “What do you think God wants me to do?” I replied, “That’s easy. Do stuff for me and stuff for the church.” She said, “Well, I’d like a more specific job description.”  

That began a long, persevering search for her which she chronicles in her book, Managing Your Restless Search/Finding Your Place of Service in God’s Plan. I encouraged her to try all kinds of activities and ventures in the church and community.  

Then one day a friend handed her a brochure about a Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference in California. She thought that would be fun to try. However, it would be during Easter week, one of the busiest for me as a pastor. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t go, huh?” she said. 

I insisted she go. “I’ll take care of things here, including the boys. You see if that’s for you or not.” That was the routine the first year and for several years following. I wanted to give her an opportunity to try, to allow her to explore an area that might be part of her spiritual gifts. So, that’s how she got involved with writing and eventually she drew me in too. 

I remember telling her, “Yeah, you can go, but don’t get me involved. I have no interest in writing.”  

After she established a writer’s office in our bedroom, she tried a little writing of short articles and poems with some modest publishing success. Then, one day after transcribing one of my sermons, she said, “You know, some of what you say here is pretty good. This parable would make a short story, if you’d let me clean it up a little, straighten the English some. Can I send it to a magazine publisher?”  

“Sure,” I said and repeated, “As long as it doesn’t involve me. I’m not interested in writing.” 

So, she sends some samples and a few months later in December 1976, I picked up some thin envelopes in the mailbox. At the time, I didn’t know writers liked thin envelopes. Thick ones meant the manuscript had been returned, rejected. I opened the envelopes addressed to me. Inside I found a couple checks. I looked at them and said, “I like writing.” And I have been writing ever since.  

~~ Home should provide an environment of healthy growth.  

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” 

A home environment managed well produces maturity in physical growth. 

We play a lot of basketball at our house though our property’s on a hill. It slopes some with no level ground. The basketball post is a ponderosa pine tree. The hoop comes out of that tree at the prescribed ten feet from the dirt and gravel that makes up the court. We experience adventures in dribbling on our court. We play great family games there.  

But also, we aim for intellectual growth too. You don’t have to be a writer to provide a good library for your family to read good books. At last count, our home library added up to 3,000 titles on the floor-to-ceiling shelves in our two offices. We try to provide opportunities for our children to push their intellect.  

We also discuss a lot of things at our house, including sports and politics. And we’re very opinionated on both. Hardly anything happens in the world that we don’t talk about as a family.  

~~ Opportunities for training in discipline and responsibility.    

Hebrews 12:11, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” 

When peace seems to be lacking in your home, try discipline. We’ve had rules for the way we did things through the years. When the boys were younger, sometimes they’d say, “Well, at so-and-so’s house we can do this or that.”  

We’d explain it to them this way. Our property is our country. This is Bly country here and the rules are different.  Like when you travel to a foreign country, their rules are okay for them. But when you step on this property, we try to have everybody understand and follow our rules.  

When you manager your family well, you continue to teach your children at each age level more discipline and responsibility.  

Here’s something we’d never done before. We sent our 17-year-old, Aaron, by himself on a plane to a two-week Summit Ministries Christian leadership conference in Colorado Springs. Off he went. He had to make his own way around an airport and introduce himself to new people, etc. We were shocked at how well he did.  

The first time he called us he told us they’d had an inspection of their rooms every morning. They got graded for beds and cleanliness and such. “Dad, we got second place at 2.9 points. The winner got 3.0 but we’ll do better tomorrow.” 

I couldn’t help think of his messy room upstairs at home. They stirred him to discipline and responsibility.  

Later, Janet and I attended some meetings to do some speaking in Atlanta and left Aaron alone at the house. We didn’t ban his friends from coming over. We expected him to act maturely. We’re thrilled he’s growing in that way and doing a good job. 

~~ Provide open knowledge and worship of the Lord.  

 Joshua 24:15, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” 

One of the great joys and delights of that verse for me, Joshua could speak for the household. He could say, “I’m going to set a standard, a tone for the whole household. I’m not just talking about me but about my children, my wife, and my servants. This is going to be a godly home.” 

One thing we try to do is have a prayer and devotional time. It’s very simple, not fancy or complicated, but as steady and regular as we can. Every morning before Aaron goes to school we try to do a reading from the Scripture. Each year it’s a different translation to try to see it all fresh and new again. This year we used passages out of The Message to start our day.     

I encourage dads to take leadership in this area. Every morning I let my son hear me praying for him after we finish breakfast, read the scripture, and he’s leaving for school. I want the last thing he hears is me praying to the Lord about him.  

Every family’s daily structure looks different. Your time of devotion may need adjustment. Find what works for you.  

~~ Emphasize a holy life. 

Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” 

I’m convinced that training and instruction in the Lord happens at home. Sunday School is a wonderful supplement. Instruction at home happens verbally as you read Scriptures and talk about what following Christ is like. But that happens by example as well as you demonstrate holiness in your life. 

One of the hardest things for men to demonstrate is making a mistake and asking forgiveness. One evening I went to a city council meeting at 7:00 and they usually ended about 9:00. As I walked out the door, I reminded Aaron to get started on his homework. Now, this son is extremely faithful with homework and is a 4.0 student. Besides that, he never missed a day of school. But he likes to push off homework to 10:00 or 11:00 at night, which is too late. So, I nudged him to get started earlier.  

So, off I go to the city council meeting to deal with something like sludge removal. When I got home, he headed up the stairs from the kitchen. “Do you have your homework all done?” I asked. “Oh, I haven’t begun yet,” he said. 

I followed him up the stairway, reminding him of what I’d told him. “I’m tired of you being so sleepy in the mornings from staying up so late at night. I’m worried about your health.” I gave him the whole lecture.  

Meanwhile, in the background downstairs I kept hearing, “Steve, Steve …” I finally realized Janet tried to get my attention. When I finished my reprimand, I marched down the stairs and she said, “I think you should have taken it easy on Aaron. He and I have been talking for two hours here in the kitchen while you’ve been gone. He had some trouble at school. We’ve been able to talk some things through and it’s been good.” 

So, I marched thirty miles back to his room and had to apologize for blowing up like that when I didn’t know what had been going on.  

~~ In managing a home, it’s important to show sacrificial love. 

Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  

One day a couple of door-to-door vacuum salesmen appeared at our house. They offered to Janet to clean the carpeting in a couple rooms to demonstrate their product. She thought that sounded like a good deal. So, she picked out the rooms and they chose a day to come. She figured some day we’d need a vacuum anyway and she’d see how this one worked. So, she looked forward some clean carpet too.  

But then, a friend called. She told Janet she really needed to talk to her. “How about us getting together on Thursday?” she said. That was the same day of the carpet cleaning appointment. Janet told me of the complication, and I knew of this gal’s difficult situation. 

“How long are the vacuum salesmen going to be here?” I asked. “They said only a half-hour or so,” she replied. I figured I could take a break that long from my writing, oversee the demonstration, then scoot them out the door.  

Janet visited her friend. Meanwhile, the vacuum guys stayed over two hours and wouldn’t leave. When Janet returned, I fully related all the details of what I endured for her, sacrificially. She assured me she appreciated it so much.  

Sacrificial love means giving something up you really want for someone you love. I wanted two hours to sit at the computer and write. But I really did give it up without hesitation because I knew the importance for Janet to be with this gal. 

 In the home that’s managed well, there are going to be some central elements like these. Things like protection from storms and safety from harm of others; nourishment, clothing, and good gifts; peace for the soul and spirit; encouragement and support; environment for healthy growth; training in discipline and responsibility; open knowledge and worship of the Lord; emphasis on a holy life; and sacrificial love.  

A well-managed home is a symbol of a well-ordered spiritual life. You’ll never succeed if you try to work on your spiritual life and neglect your home life. Paul says, “First, have a well-managed home” (1 Timothy 3:5).       

Stephen Bly

Circa 1997