The Proverbs 31 Husband

FAMILY  Season 2, Episode 018  "The Proverbs 31 Husband" audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series. 
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Transcript

PROVERBS 31 HUSBAND

Stephen Bly
Recorded at family conference in Bothell, Washington, 1993 

Article by Barbara Defoe Whitehead in April 1993 issue of Atlantic Monthly magazine states, “If we fail to come to terms between the relationship of family structure and declining child well-being, then it will be increasingly difficult to improve children’s life prospects no matter how many new programs the federal government funds.”  

She writes, “Taken together the research presents a powerful challenge to the prevailing view of family change as social progress. Not a single one of the assumptions underlying that view can be substantiated with empirical evidence.” She goes on to talk about what’s happening. “In short, far from representing social progress, family change represents a stunning example of social regress.” She concludes the article at the end of twenty-one pages, “Adults have benefitted from the changes of family life in important ways, but the same cannot be said for children. Indeed, this is the first generation in our nation’s history to do worse psychologically, socially, and economically than its parents. Most poignantly, in survey after survey, children in broken families confess deep longings for an intact family.” 

Most of us here knew all of that. We’ve been saying that for years but not everyone listens. But all of a sudden what we’ve known as Christian truth, sociologists are discovering as social truth now. They call it an “intact family.” I applaud them for that. I like to call it the “proverbial family” that’s talked about in Scriptures and in Proverbs.  

Proverbs 31:10, “An excellent wife who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy. 

She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: ‘Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.’ Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.” 

When I mentioned Proverbs 31, I know what went through the minds of the women here. They were saying, “Oh, no! I knew I should have slept in this morning. Not Proverbs 31—no, no, no!” Now, the men sat there saying, “All right! He’s going to give it to them!”  

But this is about the Proverbs 31 husband. You see, it dawned on me one time when I studied Proverbs 31, what kind of husband does this lady have? I began to understand that God wants my wife to be a Proverbs 31 wife, but he also wants me to be a Proverbs 31 husband. So, let’s go through this very familiar chapter again and try to discover what a Proverbs 31 husband is like.  

The Proverbs 31 wife we can see clearly. But let’s discover the husband behind this woman.  

First, the Proverbs 31 husband trusts his wife. 

“The heart of her husband trusts in her” (verse 11). 

Trusting your wife is not a mental exercise alone. You do something to show that trust. If you say, “I trust you,” but don’t do anything to demonstrate that, then you don’t trust her, no matter what you say or think. That might mean letting her go to Tonopah, Nevada by herself. 

Janet has been working on a book project. She saw how much fun I’ve been having writing fiction, so she said, “I’m going to write some fiction too.” So, she’s been working on a mystery series and part of the scenes take place in Tonopah, Nevada.  

I can tell some of the people here are Nevada ignorant. The silver mining town of Tonopah is halfway between Las Vegas and Reno. And part of the scenes take place out of Tonopah in a place called Silver Peak. So, as she prepared a proposal for the story, she told me in the fall, “I really need to go back down into that area.” We had been in that part of the country several times as a family, and she wondered if I’d drive her there to do more research.  

There was no way I could get away. I had a book contract and had to finish the project. And she said, “But I really need to get away and do it this fall because the winter hits and then the weather’s too bad. So, is it okay if I go there by myself?”  

Now, on a good day with dry roads, it’s about a 13-14 hour drive from our place to Tonopah. This is the point of, do I trust my wife? Her wisdom? Her driving? Her ability to take care of herself? It wasn’t theoretical anymore. Am I able to let her do this? We talked about it and prayed about it and had lots of discussions. Finally, I said, “Okay, honey, I’m going to let you do this, as long as it’s not snowing or a blizzard.” 

So, we got it all set up for a Monday on the first week in November. I get up early that morning to jog … and it’s snowing! It’s the first heavy snow we had all year. Almost a white-out, I could barely see across the street. So, I wake up Janet expecting her to say, “Oh, it’s snowing. I guess I’ll cancel the trip.” 

She got up saying, “Do you trust your wife?” I said, “I trust your judgement.” So, she left through the snow. And everything turned out wonderful. She arrived at her destination and did her research. I trusted her wisdom, judgement, and abilities.  

Second, the Proverbs 31 husband respects his wife’s ability to shop.  

(Verse 14) “She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar.” 

The merchant ships come in with all this material from all over the world and this lady goes down and shops well. 

We like to go to auctions. It doesn’t take me long to sum things up. We can walk into a garage full of stuff and I can stand in one place and quickly say, “Nope, there’s nothing here that I want.” But Janet’s not that way. She’s a professional shopper. When Janet goes to an auction, she examines everything. Each box is pulled out and every item sorted through. So, I do a lot of standing around waiting until she decides there’s nothing here we want, which I could have told her all along.  

We went to an estate auction at Potlatch, Idaho, near Princeton, Harvard, and Yale. I looked things over and determined there was nothing of interest. Janet returned about an hour later and said, “Well, what about that oak table out in the garage?” “I didn’t see it,” I replied. “Yeah, it’s piled up with boxes, but I think they’re going to sell it.” So, I looked and inquired and found out they were offering it.

The man had used it as a tabletop in his garage and I figured out it was really what is called a map table, 7’x4’ with three wide oak drawers on each side. Potlatch had been a huge company lumber mill town and this had been in the map room where they stretched out forest maps. It’s been in the garage a long time, all scuffed and dried out with some grease stains.  

Janet said, “I think that would make you a nice desk in your office.” I went back out there and looked around and agreed. That would make me a nice desk in my office. 

I want to tell you, underneath my 486 computer and my Chris LeDoux tapes is a beautiful oak map table desk. That’s only because my wife has an ability to shop and I had sense enough to respect that ability.  

Third, a Proverbs 31 husband eats quiche for supper. 

(Verse 14) “She brings her food from afar.”   

He allows his wife to be creative in food, as well as in clothing and design. He allows her to prepare something besides meat and potatoes every meal, of which I’m very fond. But she can fix some of the foreign food or whatever.  

I had a shock one day. Jan went to the supermarket about an hour away in Lewiston down at Tidyman’s one day. She came home all excited. “Honey, I can’t wait. I brought us a new meat.” I’m thinking, oh, goody. Probably something tofu or soy bean blend. But she continued, “I’ve never bought this kind of meat before but it’s called buffalo. They sell it once a month at Tidyman’s.” She bought steak, ground meat, and stew meat. So, we’ve been eating buffalo as often as we can get it ever since. 

Fourth, he allows his wife to supervise the employees. 

(Verse 15) “She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens.”Her maidens included the household employees. However, we don’t have employees. Janet and I have an equal partnership in this business of writing with two offices downstairs, one hers and the other mine. So, I got to thinking, “What can I do?” 

I decided to go get an employee. That turned out to be a housekeeper who comes one day a month. That was the best I could do. Janet tells the gal what needs to be done, sets her wages and pays her. You might say that’s not much in the way of supervision. No, it’s not but it’s the best I can do. But the Proverbs 31 husband allowed his wife to have a leadership role in that family.  

Fifth, he helps his wife develop financial wisdom. 

(Verse 16) “She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard.” 

This verse is what got me started on this whole theme. One day Jan was at the sink washing dishes and she looked out the window at the empty house behind us. Between the house and the large, beautiful hay field surrounded by forest is an open lot piled with old equipment. The junk included an old track layer, a ’61 Chevy with a tree growing up through the doors and windows, rusted through paddle boats, and over-grown weeds all over.  

Every day Janet looked out at the junk pile. One day came down to the office where I worked on a book. “We’ve got to do something. I’m so tired of looking at all that junk when the scenery’s so beautiful otherwise. Why don’t we just buy that lot so we can clean it up?”  

I’m thinking two things. First of all, I don’t have time to even think about that. I had deadlines and had to keep going. I didn’t want to talk to the owners or the real estate people. And I didn’t think we could afford it. However, that verse came to my mind: “She considers a field and buys it.” I said, “Dear, I want to be a Proverbs 31 husband. So, you do it. You want to buy it? You’re on your own. Figure it out. I’m too busy.”  

So, she made all the phone calls, found out the price and told them that was too expensive. She offered a lower amount and then told them they’d have to carry the paper on it. And they accepted all that. Within a few weeks, she had it all figured out. We call it Janet’s Lot, her field. She’s learning. 

Sixth, a Proverbs 31 husband allows his wife’s compassion for the needy to mellow him. 

(Verses 19,20) “She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, And she stretches out her hands to the needy.” 

In our family, God designed Janet with a natural compassion for the needy. She sees needs more quickly than I do. She notices people who are hurting, who need help.  

One summer a talented gal in our church who writes and sings a lot of songs for us, wrote a song about reaching out to the homeless. It really moved us in our little church in Winchester, Idaho. It so inspired me that on the way home I said, “You know, it’s too bad there are no homeless to help in our town.” It seems that nobody’s in our town unless they want to be there. People don’t come through and say, “Oh, this looks nice. I think I’ll stay on the streets.” For one thing, the streets aren’t paved and there can be snow eight months in the year. 

A week later, our daughter-in-law, Lois, and our two grandchildren were down at the city park playing on the swings. A gal with kids also used the swings, so Lois introduced herself. If you don’t know someone in Winchester, you figure they’re from out of town. But this gal told Lois she lived in Winchester. 

Lois asked, “Well, where do you live?” “At the state park campground,” she said. “We can’t afford any housing, so we live in a tent for two weeks, then we have to move because that’s the limit allowed. Then we go down to Lewiston to Hell’s Gate State Park campground and live there for two weeks.” 

So, a friendship began with the lady. Lois and Janet found out they moved from Alaska, and she had a husband with a job, but it didn’t pay enough for providing first and last month’s rent and cleaning deposit and all. So Janet brought that need to me. We began to pray they’d find some housing. And we prayed about two months, all summer long.  

Towards the end of August, they still couldn’t find housing with nothing available they could afford. Then the weather dipped to 18 degrees Fahrenheit in the night. Janet got up the next day and said, “We’ve got to do something. Those little kids can’t be out in a tent any longer.” So, she began to call everyone we knew on the prairie searching for any housing anywhere.  

By the end of the day, she found a house available where renters were in the process of moving out. But the problem remained that this young family had no savings for upfront money. So, Janet asked, “Can we do that?” 

Now, our little church didn’t have funds for something like that. But Jan wondered if we personally could loan them the money. Now, I’m at the point of proving that her compassion has mellowed me. I have to come up with some money, which for us was a large sum. So I sought the Lord. “Lord, it’s time for me to act.” 

I figured out a way to gather up the money and we gave it to them as a loan. That’s what they asked for, though we didn’t really expect to get it back. And that was fine with us. By the middle of September, they were warm, safe, and secure all winter in that home. That’s because I have a Proverbs 31 wife who feels the pain and hurt of the homeless. And because of that, the Lord changed me. Also, God was good to us and to them. The loan was repaid.  

Seventh, the Proverbs 31 husband seeks his wife’s advice on what clothing looks best. 

(Verse 21) “She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet.” 

She makes sure her whole family is clothed well within their budget. And the husband listens to his wife. On most days I wear jeans and a brush popper shirt, but on Sunday mornings, because I’m the pastor, I dress up. But I never have to worry what to wear.  

There’s a routine at our house. I get up early, get out of the house and go run. Then I study and work on my sermon. I go to the church to run off the bulletin. And when I come back home, the clothes are laid out on the bed for what we are wearing today. You see, in our church Janet and I are both up front. Jan helps with music leadership at the beginning. 

In the early days, one time I wore something that clashed horribly with what she wore. So, she said, “From now on, I’m picking out our ensembles.” Now, we blend.

 One time I called Janet as I was driving home from a men’s retreat and she said, “Would you please go to Lloyd’s Western Wear when you’re driving through Boise, and pick yourself out a purple church to wear Sunday? We’re wearing purple that day.” So, I did because I allow my wife’s taste and preference to influence what I wear. 

Another time the two of us looked around a men’s store and spied a bright rose pink silk shirt. And Janet says, “Honey, this would look beautiful on you.” However, I do not wear rose pink shirts! Not in Winchester, not in Seattle, and not in Key West. But she continued, “And it matches my new dress.” And I’m thinking, what would the Proverbs 31 husband do? 

Okay, she bought the shirt. It stayed in the closet quite a while. One day I came home after doing the bulletin and feeding the horse, and there on the bed lay the shirt. “We’re wearing the pink today,” Janet announced. And I’m thinking, oh, man, I hope not too many are coming to church today!  

So, I put on my rose pink shirt and my black vest over it and my gray sports coat over that. And I tie a gray bandanna around my neck and go to church. I want to tell you that six women came up and said, “Pastor, your shirt is so beautiful!” After that, I wore that sucker about every
other week.  

Eighth, the Proverbs 31 husband allows his wife to dress well, too. 

(Verse 22) “She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.” 

This lady dresses well, but that doesn’t mean she bought everything at Nordstrom’s. In fact, one time Janet and I were at Continental Western Wear and Dairy Supply in Hanford, California. Meanwhile, I sat there on a crummy, broken-down chair, like most men do in clothing shops while Janet looked around.    

Now, we have a rule. To make a purchase, the item must be a zinger to both of us. And we found two great dresses for Janet. She knows where to look. In fact, these purchases so impressed my sister, Judy, who works as a principal in the town of Hanford, she now stops by there often to see if she can find something special for her too. She did remark that they had good milking machines.  

Ninth, the Proverbs 31 husband seeks his wife’s wisdom and kindness. 

(Verse 26) She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 

He seeks his wife’s opinion because he knows she has wisdom. Sometimes we determine we know everything of consequence in our world, especially in certain areas. We tend to divide it up. That is, a wife can decide some things, but other things are for men to determine.  

One time I considered buying another horse. Since I had just received a contract for a new book series, I felt I deserved a reward. So, I explained to Janet the kind of horse I wanted to buy. And I knew where to find one. Then Janet blurts out, “I don’t think you ought to buy that kind of horse. I’ll tell you a better choice.”  

And I’m thinking to myself, Woman, what do you know about horses? But she continued, “You always buy a horse that no one can ride but you. They’re hot-blooded, kind of rank and snuffy, and no one can get on them. But now, we’ve got grandkids coming to visit. And besides that, when we have other guests who might like to ride, but you’ve got a horse that might throw them in the canyon.” 

After that exchange, I went out to jog and argued with her in my mind. I didn’t want to buy a kid horse. But by the time I finished the run, I realized she was right. If we were going to own several horses, we needed one anyone could ride. So, I took her advice. 

Tenth, he’s respectful of his wife’s spiritual commitment and allows her ministry opportunities. 

(Verses 28-30) Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: ‘Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.’ Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. 

The Proverbs 31 husband allows his wife to fear the Lord, develop her spiritual commitment to God, to come into His presence and experience His splendor and glory. So He can meet with her personally and send her out to accomplish the tasks He wants her to do. He doesn’t dominate her spiritual life but allows it to unfold as the Lord leads. 

This is part of the traditional, intact family. We can also call it the Christian proverbial family, which has been under attack in our country for a long, long time. You and I can do something to reestablish that kind of family. One of the fastest ways is to establish the proverbial father, for the quickest, most dramatic change.